Ray's Boathouse & Cafe, Ballard.

It's a gorgeous day in Seattle, and my friends and I head out to Ballard...to the famous Ray's Boathouse & Cafe to celebrate a birthday, sunshine, and food. We make reservations for the cafe, but arrived early enough to secure a wonderfully private corner of the deck.

Side note to the skin-cancer conscious: No umbrellas. Bring a big, BIG hat.

We sit down and are greeted sweetly by our meek server, who has informed us that the birthday girl's husband has a surprise for the table, and she would be back shortly with said surprise. We assumed it was a bottle of champagne, and though we were right, we had to wait for the grapes to be crushed, the champagne to be bottled, corked, and shipped from France before it came to our table.

So there we are, all young and beautiful and ready as hell to drop some cash once we'd had our introductory toast, but no...we are trapped to our table with the promise of a "surprise," (why didn't she just inform us that it was champagne? how were we supposed to know that it wasn't a stripper to jump out of a cake, because if that were about to happen, i needed to run and get some small bills!) and ABSOLUTELY.NO.HOOCH. Unacceptable.

Finally, after 10 years, our bottle arrives, and how it goes down easily. We hem and haw over the menu for probably about 15 minutes before we can even agree on an appetizer. We decided on the calamari, which comes rather quickly (or was that the effect of the champagne) but without marinara, which is totally fine. So...we wait and wait for our server to come back within the vicinity of requests, and I politely ask for marinara. At this point, the deck has filled up and our server has god knows how many tables...nice going, management, for whom I blame the rest of this review.

The marinara arrives after 90% of the calamari is gone. Again, really poor form for an upscale restaurant.

But we are easy, quickly ready to forgive and move on.

We order food and another round of cocktails.
The birthday girl orders a house mixed-drink specialty, but doesn't like it sweet, so asks for the sweetness factor to be decreased...and if this were possible? Is it?

Oh yes, no problem.

Only it was a problem. Perhaps the bartender should have known to either refuse to make the drink because it was going to be a serious disaster if the recipe were altered or to TASTE the cocktail before sending it out to the table. It was gross. Seriously gross.

We had to wait for our server to return before we could fix the situation by ordering something else...something less complicated. And friends, fellow snobs, this is just the kind of lack of drinking etiquette that pisses me right off...IF YOU MUST CHARGE $10 FOR A COCKTAIL, THEN YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO SERVE IT PROPERLY AND WITH PRIDE.

Sidenote: This is also yet another reason I despise corporate restaurants.

Well, our food comes. It's fine. It's tasty for a tuna melt and caesar salad. The other dishes were simple, but a bit messy...too many flavors covering up the fine taste of Seattle's seafood. My friend had to piece apart her fish and make a new little concoction with her bread in order to taste it. Again...if your entree is $15, you should not, I repeat NOT, have to recreate it in order to eat it.

At this point, we were done. Ready for our check. We still enjoyed each other, but it was SO distracting to be taking such unprofessional care of, and we managed to drop over $100...so I felt especially frustrated.

I will not return to Ray's Cafe for any other important meal...but I do hear the happy hour is amazing and NOTHING can beat that view of my puget sound. So if you find yourself in a wandering mood where you don't care how the evening goes, head on over to Ray's.

Bottom Line

It's the perfect place to expect nothing of.

Sidenote: This review is of the cafe, not the boathouse. I am eager to get back and waste more money giving the "upscale" section a chance.

The Broadway Grill, Capitol Hill

Funny thing about The Broadway Grill. When I didn't live on Capitol Hill, I would have no problem showing my face here. I went two or three times and didn't think anything of the overpriced booze and poor service. I would say that I EVEN enjoyed it.

Upon the mister and I relocating to Capitol Hill 1.5 years ago, we have not been back. It was a subconscious omission, however. We only slightly noticed that their music is borderline annoying or that the touristy/hipster clientele is trying too hard. We were just distracted by all the other choices available to our walking feet.

My friend came into town last week. We wanted to have lunch with outdoor dining, and so we just made an excuse to try this place again (I had secretly wanted some confirmation to my elitist avoidance of this silly place). We made the mistake of going to an already lame restaurant during lunch traffic.

We sat at our table for 10 minutes before greeted.
Upon greeting, the totally ditsy boy-stud who waited on us greeted us with "What do you want."
I told him a bottle of rose, and he blankly agreed.
The bottle arrived 9 minutes later.
Upon arrival, he asked me if I wanted to taste it.
Of course.
He then poured me a bit AND my friend a bit.
The rose was completely disgustingly sweet.
This was the only bottle on the menu.
This bottle cost $32.
The server left.
Without taking our order.
We sat for 6 minutes.
He came back.
He didn't write anything down.
He forgot our appetizer.
Our food came 35 minutes later.
I asked him where our appetizer was.
He smiled with vacant eyes..."Oh. Did you order one?"
"Yes."
"Oops."
No offer for recompense.
No check back.
He had 4 tables.

We may as well have eaten at Applebee's.

Truly, the only thing remarkable about this place was my visiting friend and her witty conversation.

Bottom Line
I love my friend. I'll prove it by never taking her to The Broadway Grill again.

the secret snob

The Chapel Bar: Capitol Hill

The Chapel Bar had been on my "to go to" list for quite some time, and finally the mister and I were able to wander in on a sleepy Monday happy hour. Perhaps Monday is a poor representation of an establishment or perhaps the specific bartender on duty was an aberration, but I am truly sorry to say that the only reason one should duck into Capitol Hill's The Chapel Bar is simply to sneak a peek at the fabulously designed dining room. Yes, it's a converted funeral home, but aside from this curiosity, this place is seriously dead.

At $5 a martini, the prices for happy hour were awesome. But be prepared to imbibe a concoction that tastes nothing like a martini. Our mentally vacant but sweet bartender mixed the worst cocktails I have tasted on the Hill to date. The mister was reduced to beer at place touting their horn all around town,"Martini Bar." He asked her what her favorite drink there was and she said something about pineapple, coconut, cherries, and rum. We both adjusted our expectations from there. A necessary and wise choice, me thinks.

My lavender martini tasted like simple syrup, and sweet thing that she was, my bartender messed up on one so I got another sugary infusion set in front of me (you may be scoffing at the audacity of complaining about a free drink, but the only person who would enjoy this drink is a 15 year old vodka virgin). I drank it politely and then ordered a house vodka martini. Because their well vodka was some sort of unpronounceable grotesqueness, I ordered the next best up from well, Absolute. To this, Blondie said, "I love that you know that Absolute is not top shelf." Who the hell is this lady used to serving?!!!

And speaking of the crowd...
Well, it was Monday night...so there was none. Literally. We were the ONLY two people in the bar, save two other couples on their outdoor patio (a converted alley at best). This, dear friends, in a region where one can walk to any number of drunkeries, is NOT A GOOD SIGN. I could put up with a flakey, vapid barkeep if only the drinks were actually drinkable.

Skip this trendy hipster hot-spot if you actually like the taste of booze.

Bottom Line
No snob would be caught dead here.

the secret snob